Urban Frontiersman Liberates Socialized Cigarettes

In which we know this guy puts out an ad in Soldier of Fortune. In the early morning of August 24, a West Knoxville business was the target of patriotism. A well-prepared, resourceful, and altogether heroic urban soldier entered the building after cutting a hole in the roof with a utility knife, and snatched up $4,534.62 worth of heavily-taxed cigarette packs, intending to put them back where they belong, on the open (free) market. There, natural market forces, rather than the anti-smoking lobby and teachers' unions (cigarette taxes are used to subsidize our bloated public school systems) would be able to determine their true value.

Unfortunately for this American, at some point between descending from the ceiling and performing a textbook leopard-crawl to the front of the store (all caught on surveillance camera), the alleged "looter" tripped an alarm. The government-funded police were on the scene in time to witness the man victoriously throwing black garbage bags full of cigarette cartons from the roof.

Along with an ID card and a variety of tools that could be useful in both breaking and entering, officers recovered drug paraphernalia from his supply pack, which could account for a major lapse in memory. According to the owner of the business, the suspect had been previously arrested there and was convicted of the same crime.

His only mistake was failing to destroy and replace his ID with one of a man of similar age who died in infancy. And also getting caught twice.

—Compiled by Alissa Harb and Charles Maldonado