I'll See Your Chihuahua and Raise You an Eighth

On Oct. 24, a 37-year-old man broke into an acquaintance's house in Old North Knoxville and stole a chihuahua. The dog was then transported to Oliver Springs, where it was traded to dealers for a modest amount of marijuana. The chihuahua's original owner brought the case to the attention of police when his pet's new caretakers demanded a $60 ransom for its return. Startlingly, the police report for this incident is entirely devoid of further detail. Officers have apparently become numb to tragic tales of chihuahua-pot transactions.

After the initial worry for the dog's welfare subsides, the mind floods with questions. Most obviously, why didn't the suspect make off with an iPod or a stereo or at least something that doesn't yap all the time and require food? Was the chihuahua heist actually organized by the drug dealers instead of the suspect because they really, really wanted a pre-loved lap dog? Chihuahuas sell for at least $300 from a breeder—isn't $60 a little modest for a ransom sum? Why did the suspect go all the way to Oliver Springs to find pot? What charges should be made against a person holding a chihuahua hostage?

Perhaps we'll never know—and that is the true crime.