The Game Is Afoot

The Knoxville Police Department received a call on Monday, July 13, from a Northwest Knoxville man who believes he has undergone a series of attempts on his life... made by rattlesnakes... acting as tools of a criminal conspiracy.

Both incidents occurred late last year, one in September at his apartment, and one in November at a nearby motel. Both times the man reported being bitten on his feet and legs; and once, he said, he believes he heard a rattling sound. He did not report ever having actually seen a snake, nor did he explain why he waited almost eight months to report the alleged attacks. It seems it could have been a paralyzing fear of the immense powers of his pursuers.

The man told police that he believes the snakes may be related to his testimony in a criminal trial, presumably acting as unknowing agents of a nefarious Moriarty-like puppetmaster who sits behind the curtains of Knoxville’s criminal underworld silently pulling the strings. Dance, Knoxville, dance! You will never catch the Invisible King!

The police gave the man a report number and promised to pursue an investigation into what this newspaper is officially dubbing, The Adventure of the Tennessee Death Rattle.

Compiled by Charles Maldonado and Bailey Swilley