'Felix Catholics' Can't Be Trusted, Says Pan-Wielding Suspect

The Catholic Church has taken a lot of flack over the centuries, but no critic has ever been so bold as to wield the power of a grease fire. Until now.

According to a Knoxville Police Department report, officers from the police and fire departments responded Monday to smoke alarms from a local apartment building. Upon arrival, police were told by witnesses that a man was seen walking away from a newly broken security camera holding a bent frying pan. Officers confirmed the damage and noted cooking grease present at the scene of the crime. Meanwhile, firefighters forced entry into the pan-wielding suspect's apartment, which happened to be the source of the alarm.

KFD officers extinguished what they reported as "an intentionally set grease fire." The suspect wouldn't speak to police officers because "the executive branch of the government was not his friend." When questioned about his exploits with the security camera, the suspect said witnesses were against him because "they were Catholic and couldn't be trusted." When asked to elaborate, the suspect categorized them as "Felix Catholics." After the suspect made some comments about predatory examples, the officers tried to make sense of the confusing reference by asking, "Felix, like Felix the Cat?" which was answered by the suspect with a fervent "No!"

Officers took the suspect to Fort Sanders Medical for mental evaluation.