Spanky Brown's One-Liners

Spanky Brown has written for (and toured with and/or opened for) comedians Brett Butler, Somore, George Wallace, and J. Anthony Brown, along with all his own material, but he never seems to run out of quips. Here are some of his most memorable, from stand-up, Twitter, and his morning sports talk radio show on WVLZ 1180 AM:

On mopeds:

You're riding something so slow bugs are hitting you in the back.

On why he doesn't do fat jokes:

I eat like a hostage. I scare the shit out of the Mandarin House.

On porn viewing:

I quit watching it. I'm too old. I'm at an age where I'm always feeling sorry for the girl. I'm like, "Aw, don't do that."

On organized religion:

I'm kind of sort of a member of a church. I do church on TV now. That way I put my offering on the bed. Ten minutes later, I'm like, "I need some gas money..."

On Don Imus:

That's the most nappy-headed white man I ever saw. He looks like Buckwheat and Phyllis Diller got together and was drinking Mad Dog 20/20 and playing butt-naked Twister and somebody wind up getting pregnant.

On right-wing news:

I'm watching Fox News and sayin', "Damn Vince Neil lost weight. Oh, that's Ann Coulter."

On staying fit:

Finished my first day back in the gym in three months. Anybody have Dr. Kevorkian's number?

On '40s and '50s actor and sex symbol Jane Russell:

She still looks good. Just not as good. Wears a 72-hour bra now.