new_health (2006-13)

Help for Dirty Souls

Ancient treatment acts as emotional Clorox

by Wendy C. Smith

Well, here we are at the beginning of spring. The beautiful weather intermingled with rain is reminding us that flowers and sun are right around the corner. With that in mind, I have been cleaning my house and throwing out all the accumulated clutter of another year gone by. In the middle of this dust bunny frenzy, I heard about an interesting process called soul cleansing that I just had to try. I mean, if the rest of my life is going to get cleaned up, why not my soul?

I went to see Jennifer Jones for my soul cleaning session. Jennifer is a former Moonie turned massage therapist and exorcist who learned about soul cleansing (also called soul detox) as she was researching the ritual of confession in an ancient and now defunct branch of the Anglican Church. She had a theory that the confessing of sins actually lowered the chance that one would need an exorcism, because if one isn’t holding onto any sins or wrongdoings, it is harder for a demon or bad energy to latch onto the soul. In her research, she discovered that prior to the practice of confession, priests performed soul cleansings. Soul cleansing removed not only the sin and bad energy, but also heavy metals and pesticides.

The practice was stopped when it was discovered that confessionals, though not as effective, took a lot less time and were much cheaper, leaving people with more money to give to the church. Ms. Jones, though, believes that while confession is great for sin, there is nothing like a thorough cleansing for accumulated soul dirt. 

I went to Jennifer’s lovely West Knox office and entered the soul cleansing room. Because souls are cleaned with herbal steam, the cleansing room looked a lot like a steam room. She explained to me that the time it takes to clean a soul varies by person because everyone’s soul is different and holds onto different things.

Therefore, the first procedure is an evaluation to determine the state of the soul. This can be done with an anal probe or soul-o-meter. Anal probes have been used for decades by aliens to evaluate the overall human condition, but the soul-o-meter is like a small scanner and just measures the health of the soul. Because it is noninvasive, it is the instrument of choice for most soul evaluations. Jennifer’s soul-o-meter determined that, because of my penchant for musicians (especially Irish ones), my soul was kind of sticky and nasty and would take about three hours to thoroughly scrub. Luckily, I had the time.

She left me room to get undressed and put on a long wrap around towel. Then she came back in and gave me a Kool-Aid type drink. Ms. Jones says that the soul can’t leave the body to be steamed if the person is fully awake, so this drink induces a sleepy, dreamy state. I drank the Kool-Aid and lay down on the table. Jennifer started the steam. Because of the type of dirt my soul had accumulated, she infused the steam with frankincense and lavender.

Soon I was sweating and half asleep and Jennifer started chanting and playing finger cymbals. As I was lying there, I could feel my soul kind of swell and then it rose up and separated from my body. I couldn’t move at that point, couldn’t really talk or think and could only watch. Seeing my soul outside my body was quite unnerving at first. My initial fear was that it wouldn’t come back, and I was not prepared to become friends with Ann Coulter. My soul was yellowish orange with little dark brown spots and a frothy outline (probably from all the Guinness), but I thought it was kind of pretty.

Jennifer kept chanting and used the finger cymbals to chase my soul around the room. My soul seemed to be getting a little lighter in color as it moved through the steam. After the initial shock of seeing my soul outside my body and watching it move around the room a couple times, I fell asleep.

I woke up when Jennifer shouted, “Go home!” I felt this surge of energy as my now clear and sparkling soul reentered my body. Jennifer turned off the steam and asked me how I was doing. I felt great. It was like a ton had been lifted off my shoulders, and I had a feeling of wellbeing and love for all mankind. Later, I realized that I’d lost five pounds and my virginity had been restored as well.   

Soul cleansing is not for the faint of heart; it’s kind of scary and not something a lot of people have experience with. However, for me, it was a good way to detox the dirt of living from my core. Although, it’s not a common practice, it is fairly safe. Effective soul cleansing can be done on almost anyone, except lawyers and politicians who have no souls.

For more information on soul cleansing and obtaining a soul (should you be without one) or to get a good massage, contact Jennifer Jones at (865)555-1212 or .