Metro Pulse

Sonic Chronicles is one of those inexplicable genre-breaking efforts that deposits an established universe into a previously untapped gameplay realm. Sega tapped Bioware, notable developer of Star Wars fan fiction games and space-sex simulators, to revive their long-struggling flagship series by dragging Sonic kicking and screaming into turn-based RPG territory for the Nintendo DS. Full story »

I just had a transcendental moment. After spending a couple of hours trying to puzzle out my ambivalence toward the Star Wars franchise, I realized that the nature of the problem isn’t that I like it or hate it, but that I demand so much from it. George Lucas had a couple of winning years when I was a kid, and every time he fields a new team, I want more of those unbeaten seasons I remember from my youth. Full story »

After a long day of doing all those awesome things I do, I go home and play the hell out of two games that cost less than $15 each, could have been made 15 years ago, and take up less memory than the word processor on which I write this column. Stepping back from it, I can’t help but feel that someone is laughing at me. Full story »

Picture a canyon-filled wintry landscape, craggy and inhospitable, Hoth by way of Scandinavian death metal. Wind buffets the cliffs, turning the unending snowfall into a near-horizontal blizzard. A massive dropship, all gunmetal and jet exhaust, lumbers onto the scene at low altitude, unceremoniously ejecting two man-sized pods into the craggy earth below. The first splits smoothly at its seams, revealing a paragon of a man clad in what Robocop would wear had his armor been designed by Boris Vallejo. Full story »

Over the last week, I’ve spent 30 hours marching half a dozen tiny, cartoonish figures across a Lilliputian map, sending them off to die on a series of miniscule, ornately landscaped chess boards. They fight outlandish, three-eyed ghosts, or clans of sky pirates, or malevolent rabbits whose primary form of attack is a dance which against all odds kills. Full story »

Certain timeless ponderables permeate the human experience: Who created all this? Where do people go when they die? What would happen if the villains of the Galactic Empire and the heroes of the Rebellion squared off against a group of buxom, scantily-clad Amazon warriors and flaxen-haired knights wielding swords made of eyeballs and meat? Full story »

It’s been a humdrum year for licensed games. Hulk, Hellboy, and Iron Man have all had their turn in whatever infernal machine churns out lackluster tie-ins, and none of the results have been particularly noteworthy. While it’s true that decades have passed since one of these wastes of shelf-space single-handedly brought down the entire industry, repetitive beat-’em-ups differentiated only by color scheme don’t make me want to buy most of them. Full story »

In the beginning there was PlayCable, an adapter for the Intellivision console that allowed subscribers to use their newfangled cable connections to temporarily download poorly-rendered ports of games like Q*Bert, which would be lost when the system was powered off. It was simplistic, but 1981 was a simple time. Full story »

Ninja Gaiden II opens with a Neo-Tokyo cinematic sequence that evokes whispers of a Far East version of Blade Runner. Retro-futuristic flying transit capsules, too far evolved to be considered flying cars, float nonchalantly through a cityscape of pagoda-topped skyscrapers. Ground floor is as distant a memory to its residents as buggy whips are to us. Intrigue, the setting fairly screams. Espionage! The complexities of a thinking man’s game! Three minutes later, it’s lost any hope of such intricacies. Full story »

Wii Fit, Nintendo’s newest foray into the “doing non-game things with game systems” market, has been described as everything from a paradigm shift in the home exercise field to a $90 hula hoop. It’s neither of these, but describing Nintendo’s featherweight workout program inaccurately is amusing, as it is itself an inaccurate description of something more complex. Full story »

The creators of the gaming webcomic Penny Arcade try their hand at game creation. We take a look to see if they practice what they preach. Full story »

Grand Theft Auto IV releases to the acclaim of murder-simulator fans everywhere. Dave Prince reminisces about the Cold War and walks us through why GTAIV won't turn our kids into sociopathic whoremongers. Full story »

You and I are about to engage in a little experiment. If you happen to be near a Nintendo Wii, fetch the closest Wiimote and wrap this issue of Metro Pulse around it. Write the word “REHASHED” in Sharpie on your makeshift Wii Baseball Bat, then smack yourself in the face with it between 20 and 30 times. Full story »

Ever since I slogged my way through God of War’s “X-Treme Canon” take on Greek mythology, I’ve had this inexplicable urge to find a decent next-gen Norsey equivalent. I chalk this up to a Teutonic-by-way-of-Ireland bloodline and a weird 21st-century version of ancestor worship, mostly because the alternative (a deep-seated urge to stare at shirtless muscle-bound warriors that was imparted to me by a childhood stocked with too many He-Man action figures) isn’t something I like to think about. Full story »

Digital Hackery reviewer Dave Prince finds out that his personal hell is the Clancy-verse. Full story »