Good morning students, welcome to your biology class for this year. Thanks to the efforts of the Tennessee Legislature, we will be expanding our lessons this year, no longer bogged down in years of formal scientific study, but now being allowed to consider alternative creation theories. No longer are we shackled by the “theory” of evolution.
Let free scientific inquiry begin!
I will now run down the syllabus for the year, to give you an idea of what is to come.
FIRST SIX WEEKS: One theory about the creation of the Earth is the Hindu one. The world is an ocean and Lord Vishnu is a big snake. He has a lotus flower in his stomach and from that Lord Brahma appears. Lord Brahma gets lonely so he splits in two, creating a male and a female. He creates all living things. Then he goes to sleep and Lord Vishnu, the destroyer, destroys everything and Brahma has to start over. Since the world has been created and destroyed many times you need to be good, so that in the next incarnation you will be something nice, instead of a cockroach.
SECOND SIX WEEKS: The Greeks are the foundation of Western Civilization, so their creation story is something we need to pay particular attention to. Out of the void Gaea (Earth) appears. Gaea gave birth to the planets, like Uranus, who became her husband. He was a bad father and Gaea conspired with her son Cronus to castrate him with a flint sickle. (Don’t ask me what castrate means, I’m not allowed to tell you.) Cronus marries his sister Rhea and takes over but has a bad habit of eating his children to prevent a successor. Rhea finally hides one of the children, named Zeus. He grew up and gave Cronus a drink that made him vomit. The rest of the children were thus returned. They thought Zeus was a great guy for doing all that, so they made him the head god and they all ruled from Mount Olympus.
THIRD SIX WEEKS: In the Norse tradition you have Ymir, a frost ogre. He grew a man and woman under his arm. (No, I’m not allowed to explain where babies come from.) A cow licked the ice and thawed the man and woman out. They had three sons, the oldest of whom was Odin. He and his brothers killed Ymir and made the Earth. Ymir’s blood became the ocean, his body the earth, and his skull made the sky. His eyebrows became a fortress. Odin made a man and a woman out of a couple of trees. Odin himself had sex with the earth and produced a son named Thor. (Don’t ask.)
FOURTH SIX WEEKS: In the Navajo tradition, First Man and First woman go through a succession of worlds, but arrive at the fourth world and create the sun, moon, stars, and the seasons. From them comes the human race, emerging from the Hero Twins. The Hero Twins have a series of adventures. They kill monsters and protect the people. Death and evil come to the people from the Coyote.
FIFTH SIX WEEKS: We’re still working on the Wiccan bloc, the main problem being how to explain about the Goddess and the two women at creation without getting into trouble with state Sen. Stacey Campfield.
SIXTH SIX WEEKS: We will study Genesis. Yahweh, the all-powerful God, created the universe over a seven-day period and created a man named Adam. Adam was lonely so God took one of his ribs while he was sleeping and created a woman called Eve. They lived in the Garden of Eden until they were seduced into disobedience by a serpent. They were driven from the Garden of Eden, and through toil and trouble established the human race.
Unfortunately, children, it will be the end of the school year before we get through, so we won’t have time to study the biology you will need to pass the TCAP tests or get a good ACT score. But it’s a small price to pay for you to be able to study creative alternatives to evolution.