8. TDOT will relocate its headquarters to Knoxville to work day and night untangling the clusterf--k that is our highway system
7. Knoxville will become a testing ground for a new multi-billion dollar outdoor air-conditioning project. Should it fail horribly, its citizenry will be relocated to Chattanooga, and Chattanoogans will be moved to Arkansas.
6. The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation will devote a special unit to uncovering all those Lane Kiffin scandals we were promised would be forthcoming back in January, including how Kiffin managed to wreck a car at 2 a.m., not report it to any authorities, and still get his insurance to cover it.
5. Henceforth, Nashvillians will be prohibited from referring to their city as “Nash Vegas.” Knox Vegas will become the only pun referring to a major city that incorporates the word “Vegas” allowed inside the state.
4. Mountaintop removal will be made illegal.
3. Nashville, Chattanooga, and Memphis will be required to erect unsightly towers in their downtowns as penance for mocking the Sunsphere. The horrible eyesores will be designed by Haslam himself, who will just be told to do the best job he can, and everyone will pretend his drawings are really, really good for someone with no background in architecture or design.
2. State motto will be changed from “Tennessee: Agriculture and Commerce” to “Tennessee: Still Lots of Crazy Republicans, But the Governor is Nice.”
1. Funding for all state universities except UTK will be yanked and redirected to build more rides at Dollywood’s Splash Country.