The Western Heights neighborhood has recently seen the criminal activity of a new Robin Hood figure seeking to aid the disadvantaged at the expense of the wealthy. His first act involves those people rich in fruity, slurpable drinks and those who have none.
The neo-Robin Hood, a man in his 50s clad not in tights and feathered cap but in a T-shirt and ball cap emblazoned with Jeff Gordon logos, approached a truck vending slushies around 5:20 p.m. on Aug. 23. The suspect ordered a number of slushies, totalling $63 in value, with the intention of distributing them to shiny-eyed and expectant neighborhood children.
As soon as the cold beverages had reached the children’s hands, the suspect bolted away and the children found themselves to be accomplices of an outlaw. Never have the Merry Men been so adorable.
Unfortunately, the Sheriff of Nottingham, here taking the form of KPD officers, caught up with him approximately a half-hour later that same day. Hood became agitated: “If you want to fight, let’s fight!” he challenged the Sheriff. The underage Merry Men were too hopped up on sugar to come to his aid. After a valiant struggle, Hood was maced and arrested for simple assault. Rest assured that society has no patience for unconventional do-gooders.
Compiled by Lauren Byram