The Worst Person In the World

A 20-year-old East Knoxville woman reports that her 19-year-old ex-boyfriend has finally clawed his way out of anonymity and reached for the stars, becoming the Worst Person in the World. The woman tells police that on the afternoon of June 14, the man stopped by her apartment and belligerently demanded that she hand over her food stamps benefits card. She refused, citing the need to OBTAIN FOOD FOR THEIR 2-WEEK-OLD BABY. He wouldn’t hear of it though, so he persisted. The argument grew to a crescendo when the man finally pushed her over WHILE SHE WAS HOLDING THE BABY and stole the card, running out of the apartment.

We would like to think that, sitting in his car staring at the stolen card, the man would experience a moment of self-awareness. “Wow,” we’d like to think he thought. “I have officially become the most despicable human being alive. Is this how I pictured my adult self when I was a child? I ought to reform immediately and devote the rest of my life to protecting the weak and helpless. After 50 or 60 years of uninterrupted service to mankind, I may have paid off this one incident.” That would be nice if he was thinking that. In reality, it was probably something more along the lines of, “Hoo boy! I’m gonna get me one of them family-sized Snack Pack boxes! Both flavors!”

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