Metro Pulse's Finest Film Blurbage

G-Force (PG)

This film is about an elite team of talking guinea pig spies. Finally, a movie above reproach. Jerry Bruckheimer, America now collectively offers itself to you, body, mind, and/or soul. Platonic or otherwise. It’s entirely up to you, Jerry Bruckheimer. Featuring the voices of Steve Buscemi, Penelope Cruz, and Tracy Morgan.

The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (PG-13)

Matthew McConaughey may be pushing 40, but you could still cut a gemstone on those finely sculpted cheekbones. That’s a handsome man.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (PG-13)

Want to hear something hilarious? News broke this week that Paramount will not be doing critics’ screenings for this movie because they anticipate that reviews will be negative. Meanwhile, the few semi-credible bloggers who have managed to get into test screenings have given it positive reviews—all with the pretty major qualifier that it isn’t as horrible as people are expecting. We’ll see. Well, I probably won’t. Written by six different people. Produced by 10. Directed by only one guy. (So at least one person stuck it out all the way through.)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (PG)

Try to imagine what it’s like to look like Harry Potter. It’s hell. Take it from someone who knows. Imagine what it’s like spending the better part of the last decade having to dodge groups of small children wherever you go so you don’t have to put up with smelly, sticky, yelly hug and autograph requests. You certainly can’t go see the Harry Potter movies in a theater, at least not at any reasonable time. That said, it is a real blessing that Twilight, wretched as it is, has hijacked the magical zeitgeist. Maybe now I can finally go to one of these movies in relative peace. Starring Daniel Radcliffe. Directed by David Yates.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (PG)

The long-awaited conclusion to this generation-defining trilogy is finally upon us. The years of careful planning, keeping key plot points closely guarded, spreading deliberate misinformation to media outlets and fanblogs—it all ends this week. Can Diego—violent and duplicitous by nature—really be trusted, or will treachery finally out? Will Scrat, as has been rumored, unleash the hidden savage power contained in the acorn? Will it destroy the child in Ellie’s womb or imbue it with some malevolent power? Who is this mysterious Buck and what horrible truths will he reveal to our heroes?

Imagine That (PG)

The plot of this movie seems to be the following: Eddie Murphy discovers that his daughter’s blanket is filled with magical princesses who can predict how stocks will perform. That’s really what it appears to be. If anyone cares to differ as to what the story is about, please e-mail or call. I’d like to believe that there is something that makes sense here. I just haven’t been given any reason to yet.

Shorts (PG)

Robert Rodriguez directed this fantasy about a boy who finds a magic rock that grants wishes, inadvertently unleashing chaos upon his town. A thinly veiled allegory about the crack-cocaine epidemic that swept through urban America in the 1980s.

The Taking of Pelham 123 (R)

Why do such terrible things keep happening to Denzel Washington? He’s such a regular guy. Also starring John Travolta, who just made Operating Thetan Level III before he played the bad guy in this movie. He watched that L. Ron video over and over to give himself inspiration.

The Time Traveler’s Wife (PG-13)

This was a hugely, hugely successful book, so much so that it cannot be found in the science-fiction section of most book stores, despite the fact that it’s about time travel. Well, whatever, doesn’t sound so great anyway. Eric Bana has a genetic disorder (read: “genetic disorder” is crappy sci-fi for “magic”) that causes him to move around in time. This makes it hard for him and Rachel McAdams to get along.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (PG-13)

At this point, it’s pretty safe to say that professional movie-ruiner Michael Bay has sold his soul. Starring Shia LeBoeuf and Megan Fox. Written by three different people who probably never met each other.

Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself (PG-13)

That title pretty much sums it up for me. Proof: Written and directed by Tyler Perry, starring Tyler Perry, produced under the auspices of Tyler Perry Productions.

The Ugly Truth (R)

This romantic comedy stars Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. Wait, who? Those people aren’t nearly charismatic enough to carry a whole movie, are they? Especially a movie, like a romantic comedy, that would seem to rely entirely on its two leads to engagingly deflect your attention from what is almost inevitably a horrific script, right? Really, Sony Pictures, you think so? Well, we’ll see. Keep in mind, even if I’m right and you’re wrong, you’re Sony Pictures, and I write movie blurbs in a city in the mid-South you probably couldn’t place, so it’s not as if I win.

X Games 3D: The Movie (PG)

After seeing the trailer for this documentary, I had this sudden, inexplicable urge to drive my brand new Chrysler Jeep to the nearest Taco Bell restaurant franchise. Perhaps after that, I will catch a fine Warner Bros. film and then find a recruitment station for the U.S. Navy. (I’ll have to get some breath-freshening Wrigley’s Gum first, though.) Directed by Steve Lawrence.

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