Lines Sublime

It's our goal here at Metro Pulse to eliminate your need for critical thinking. After all, why should you have to worry yourself about whether things like movies, records, concerts, and restaurants are good or bad when we've got a staff of highly trained professionals to do it for you? Yessiree, just sit back, take it easy, and we'll do the discriminatin' for you. Here are some of our most vicious summations.

HOLLYWOOD ENFANT TERRIBLE WANNA-BE ZAK WEISFELD:

One can almost see the corporate flacks chained in the office complex in Culver City, eyes glazed with almost religious intensity, shaking like pentecosts and shouting out, "ancillaries," "foreign sales," "licensing," "action figures," as though channeling the sacred words from Mammon himself. --on Batman Forever

"Mr. Stallone," I said, "don't you think that the real reason you were attracted to this role is because of your deeply held belief in fascism, your twisted fantasy of imposing your cult of personality on millions of children everywhere ... forging them into a fanatical paramilitary order that will carry you into the future as a new Il Duce? Isn't it true that you like the role because you get to wear tight pants by Versace and the character of Dredd is flat enough that it doesn't stretch even your nonexistent acting ability..." --on Judge Dredd

With 200 million dollars I could wipe out polio in Brazil or I could spend the rest of my life in an exotic Bhutanese retreat, ass deep in hookers and high-grade opium. Hell, for 200 million dollars I could probably lease Bhutan outright. --on Waterworld

It may be giving away too much to begin a review of Johnny Mnemonic by saying that Dolph Lundgren steals the show. --on Johnny Mnemonic

Both Lucy and Joe are fast approaching the dreaded three-zero, the age at which, if ancient rituals were adjusted for inflation, my generation would have their bar/bat mitzvahs. --on If Lucy Fell

Demi's breasts appear barely a part of her at all; rather, they seem like two satellites in a stable geosynchronous orbit around her eerily taught body. --on Striptease

HYPER-YET-FLACCID ROCK CRITIC LEE GARDNER:

Their whole po-faced we're-so-intense-yet-so-sensitive-love-ya-dude thing got right up my nose like a gnat on bennies. And worst of all, people were confusing their competent, catchy hard rock with something new or different or special. I considered them coattail riders, grunge without the gr, sheep in wolves clothing. Night Ranger posing as Nirvana. --on Pearl Jam

If you like the way he says it ["bee-yutch"], go buy the album.... But if you don't like what he's saying when he says it, don't bother. If you don't like what he says, but sheepishly like the way he says it, well, join the club, G. --on Snoop Doggy Dogg's Doggy Style

Betcha those wicked-looking runes on the cover read "For ages 9 to 14." --on Danzig's Danzig 4

I don't know why Alligator thought this dude would go over in America. I mean, he's just a white guy from Australia who sings his lame originals hard and tunelessly while he wee-wee-wees gratuitous groove-ignorant slide guitar everywhere. We have plenty of guys here who do more or less the exact same thing already. --on Dave Hole's Working Overtime

GEORGE LOGAN, WORLD'S MOST POLITE DRAMA CRITIC:

The plot goes beyond the merely Freudian. If you had a Freudian dream about Freudian theory, it might come out a little like this, and you'd wake up in a cold sweat and want to go wash your face. --on Joe Orton's Entertaining Mr. Sloane

A few moments are so overdone that they almost remind you of real life. --on a local production of The Cemetery Club

I almost wished the theater featured operatitles, in Romanian, to distract you from the English. --on Dracula, Prince of the Dark

The cast displayed a trait common to talented kids learning the piano. The better they learn their parts, apparently, the faster they play them. --on a local production of The Last Laugh

"It's really just a wacky lounge act," I observed to a willowy brunette on the poop deck. "Not a murder mystery..." She gave me a pained look, then tumbled into the paddle wheel, a steak knife in her back. The engine groaned once as she churned through the works, and she was gone. --on a Knoxville riverboat "murder cruise"

In the urinal after the show, a middleaged man standing next to me offered his assessment of this play that treats murder, mortal disease, and existential doubt: "That was a real neat deal," he said. --on the Blount County production of Christy, the Musical

MUSIC SCENESTRESS SHELLY RIDENOUR:

Just think, if a bomb hit the arena, East Tennessee's crop of acoustic patio guys would be seriously depleted. Hmmm... --on an upcoming James Taylor concert

This one could've been subtitled 'Money-sucking leeches reunite for one last wheezing hurrah' and it still would have sold out. Sigh. --on an upcoming Eagles concert

Gotta borrow from the official bio for this one: "The voice. The hair. The savoir faire." The wimp-out. The cheese. The flatulent, easy-listening wheeze. Rod the Mod, where are ye? --on Rod Stewart

Over the years, more sap has come from this man's lungs than a forest of maple trees. The question is not can he still over-emote, the question is who cares? --on Steve Perry

Some men are inspired by God, others the divine intervention of the IRS. What else would reduce Willie Nelson to pitch zesty Burrito Supremes for Taco Bell? --on Willie Nelson

Maybe if he cut the neckwarmer 'do and owned up to his impending baldness. Maybe if he quit over-emoting those soul covers. Maybe if he quit singing in cliches--'love is a wonderful thing!' Maybe, just maybe, then I would get Michael Bolton. --on Michael Bolton

ZAFTIG 'N' ZANY RESTAURANT REVIEWER BONNIE APPETIT:

But perhaps the most revolting part of the dining experience was being exposed to the too-loud, sophomoric conversations of the philosophy majors all around us. While we fretted about food poisoning, they wondered aloud about the nature of God, man, and the universe. Sample quote: "I often wonder if there's anything beyond experience--maybe there's no tomorrow and the now is all that truly is." (Perhaps, at Champa, a valid concern.) --on Champa

I'm told that drinking is the main attraction, and guess once you're drunk enough your taste buds cease to care. But if you're into sobriety, I suggest you avoid the place at all costs. Unless, that is, you're feeling too lazy to defrost your own meals. --on Applebees

The employees of the Blue Moon appear to be experiencing the passage of time in a very different way from you and I. Nice enough folks, they apparently are into the Zen of sandwich making. ("It's like they've never noticed the beauty of a leaf of lettuce before," said my friend Puck.) --on Blue Moon Bakery

The food itself sports a fresh-from-the-freezer flavor, and therefore seemed kinda "homestyle" to me, as if I could have stuck it in the microwave myself. --on Miami Subs Grill

I settled in, safe in the knowledge that there was literally nothing I could do here to make a mess that hadn't already been done before. I could eat with my fingers, I could show Zippy my mouthful of food, I could lunge across the table at his plate, and who would care? Certainly not the table of four-year-olds next to us. --on Red Lobster

We had plenty of time to contemplate our dogs while the teenage wait staff struggled to suppress their raging hormones long enough to remember all three items of the order they were preparing. --on Frank and Stein

COURY TURCZYN, MASTER OF THE BLURB-A-QUOTE(TM):

Relationships, achievement, emotional fulfillment--what do they all really mean in the grand equation of life? Amazingly, it all adds up to dating Uma Thurman. --on Beautiful Girls

Screamers is one of those movies that strikes you dumb with wonder: Who in the world thought that this insanely silly idea was worth making? Which executive at what studio said to himself, "Hmmm, little whiny metal rat things that fly out of the ground and slice people's heads off ... ingenious! We must make this film!" --on Screamers

Faye Dunaway, Rupert Everett, Jason Alexander, Paul Reubens ... and a monkey?! Yes, it's mass career suicide as people we actually respect immolate their reputations on a bonfire of inanity. --on Dunston Checks In

Disney's Pocohontas gets five years added to her age, not to mention her cup size. --on Pocohontas

Upon finding a dazed Slater in the desert, Mathis immediately aims a gun at his head and declares him "under arrest!" Gosh, do park rangers often pull guns on the downed pilots they're rescuing--or was Slater guilty of slamming his plane into a no-crash zone? --on Broken Arrow

When you think of kinky S-and-M sex games, who immediately comes to mind? If you fantasize about Dan Akroyd and Rosie O'Donnell suiting up in rubber bodysuits, then, boy, do we have a movie for you. --on Exit to Eden

Although it posits itself as an "issue" movie about sexual harassment, Disclosure still boils down to simply watching Michael Douglas screw around with a libidinous woman, then suffer the consequences afterward. (Because, as we all know, libidinous women are DERANGED!) --on Disclosure

Oh Lord. You'd think Bernie would be decomposing by now, right along with the script. --on Weekend at Bernie's 2

If Eddie Murphy ever walked a Detroit street in real life, he'd be stripped of his Gucci loafers and Rolex, then hung by his toes from the Joe Louis memorial. "Street" he ain't. --on Beverly Hills Cop III

© 1996 MetroPulse. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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