Non-Sequitur Letter of the Year!

The Way To Acquire Immortality:

1.) We'll start light. Grab a beer and think about Hemingway....

2.) Carve something. Preferably a rock, since they can take it. Trees' are like fake tattoos. Chisel something in rock and put it in the best cave, and you get studied in the future!

3.) Treat every dog well unless he bites you, and then it's on.

4.) Read some William Cullen Bryant people! Everybody gives Emerson all the credit.

5.) Do NOT try to do Ferris Bueller's Day Off in one day... can't do it. Stretch it out over three days, especially at the Art Institute.

6.) Love all the children around you, whether they are yours, your friends', or whatever. They may look tiny and cute now, but they'll be writing about you later.

7.) Launch a satellite. This one's tricky, since every alien will call all of us "Na-Sa" one day. If you can fling something past Pluto with a family picture and some Cracker Jacks, then you truly are immortal.

8.) Drop something valuable off of a cruise ship. They'll call it archaeology in the future. (See #2)

9.) Spend a whole week telling everyone you know that Right Said Fred was the best band ever. I will ensure everyone will remember that.

10.) Steve Bartman... 'nuff said.

11.) Have an actual Constitutional Amendment named after you. Another loooooong stretch here, since every menial, pissy House bill has three names strapped to it.

12.) Tame the Star... its been raging out of control for too long now!

Chip Everett

Knoxville