I got a complaint about that photo-pitcher of Lumpy Lambert on page 10 of the July 16 issue—it's a BORE. ["Lumpy Unleashes," Citybeat by Charles Maldonado] He's just totin' an ole tommy gun, unloaded, like he's guardin' a sack of potatoes at a broke-down spud bank. Heck, he ain't even wearin' a cowboy hat. Next time, get him to pop in an ammo clip and point that chopper right at the camera—like he does on TV— for a real rip-snortin' zazzed-out art trick that'll leave your reader public way more agog than usual. Be sure to use an intern-boy to hold the camera, instead of a hot-dog staff writer, since you can always get another one cheap, and they don't know no better anyhow. As for Lumpy, thank the Lord for term limits. So hurry up and git that shot.

Joe-Don Tom-Bob Acree