Red State Candidate

In the era of handing out goodies, there's only one guy for the Republicans

Leading Republican lights are meeting in various cauci and conferences trying to decide what issues to adopt and how to find leaders to deliver them from the wilderness and reclaim the White House in 2012.

Consultants have been busy drafting memos, preparing PowerPoints and assembling data to make the case for the next leader to help them make a comeback.

I got hold of one of these memos and share it with you to give you a sense of the desperation in Republican ranks as the party repudiates small government, balanced budgets, individual freedom, and low taxes (sure losers) and embraces a new and bolder vision for the future.


"The Republican Party has achieved a reputation as a bunch of angry old white men who hate gays, illegal immigrants, blacks, and people from Massachusetts. We need a candidate who is voter-friendly, has a reputation for tolerance, and has a love for his fellow man. Otherwise we will be reduced to winning only backward states like Tennessee and Alabama.

"The Republicans are the people who are against government largesse toward the less fortunate, whether it is the homeless or Rick Wagoner, the CEO of General Motors. We need a candidate who everyone realizes is a generous, warm-hearted person who has no compunction about delivering goodies to the American people.

"There is only one figure in modern American life to reverse the fortunes of the Republican Party and bring it back to power.

"We need to draft Santa Claus as our candidate for 2012.

"What better representative of Red State America than the man in the Red Suit?

"It is obvious that the future of the American government will consist of handing out goodies to the politically powerful, the organizations too big to fail and ‘stimulus packages' for the people. We need a government program and a platform for the people in order to give them Bread and Circuses—it's been a winning strategy since the days of the Roman Empire. Bread and circuses can be achieved with flat-screen TV vouchers and pizza delivery coupons.

"Who has more experience handing out goodies and getting them directly to the people? The Democrats? Or Santa?

"It's a no-brainer.

"All candidates have some negatives, and Santa is no exception.

"For the last decade, Santa's workshop has been outsourced to sweat shops in China. Lead-based paint on the toys is certainly an issue, but it is something that can be address by a product re-call and we can blame it on Communist saboteurs. (Santa's close association with Wal-Mart may be a problem in large cities, but in small-town America it's a plus.)

"Even when Santa used the elves at the North Pole, it must be acknowledged he had a non-union shop. But union members aren't going to vote for the Republicans anyway.

"Santa can trump the anti-union tag with a strong statement on Global Warming. Who better to show concern for the melting ice caps than someone who lives at the North Pole? For some it's an abstract cause. For Santa, it's a local flood control issue.

"But the situation is not without problems.

"Environmental wackos are now proposing to tax cattle for producing methane gas. We have one consultant's report that reindeer may emit more pollutants than a 1978 Impala that needs a ring job. And they fly into every airspace in the world. It's a climate control nightmare.

"But we have three more Christmases before the 2012 election, it's not too late for Santa to put the reindeer in a petting zoo and get a Prius.

"All in all, it's a slam dunk. There is that citizenship issue, but we are pretty sure we can prove the present jolly old man in the red suit was born in the graphics department of the Coca-Cola Company in Atlanta, Georgia.

"Having Santa around for early campaign stops is also a problem. But I'm sure we can get Newt Gingrich to put on a red suit and act as a surrogate."

Yes, the Republicans are desperate folks. But don't overlook their creativity.