'El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron' Turns Forgotten Texts Into Fever Dreams

ISRAEL—Archaeologists working in the West Bank region have discovered a prophetic set of texts that may prove to be the first known example of a pop-culture critical review.

Discovered in a previously unknown "man cave" adjacent to the caves in which the original Dead Sea Scrolls were found some 65 years ago, the texts—which in liturgical circles are being called the "Dead Sea Elder Scrolls"—appear to critically chronicle the development and use of Christian themes in video games. This comes as a shock to Biblical scholars, who note that the video game did not exist until the 20th century.

Many of the passages are currently indecipherable due to the fact that nobody wants to play Super Noah's Ark 3D to check the source material, but scholars claim that several of the last passages mirror in uncanny detail the events leading to the creation of El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron, a video game created by Ignition Entertainment in 2011. Translated excerpts from these passages are reprinted below.

AND IT CAME TO PASS in those days that Enoch, who warred against the fallen Grigori in the name of the LORD, was forgotten by the flock, who, being largely Protestant, ignored the ancient apocrypha in favor of mummer's shows about flying reindeer.

And Enoch lamented, for his struggles were great and he would not have them forgotten, though they raised many questions about the nature of the heavens and whether or not angels are susceptible to human fever. And Enoch's cries did reach the very heavens, and the LORD who dwelt within.

And the LORD spoke unto Enoch, saying, "Thy lamentations have moved me, Enoch, and surely shalt thou not be forgotten. Your journey will begin anew, and it shall be told as light beaming into the eyes of the flock. Thou shall move like a bright spirit through the firmament before the multitudes, and verily shall they know you as an avatar of action."

But the LORD was displeased with Enoch's presumption for calling upon him so, saying unto him, "Thy pride hast made thee impudent, and clouded thy judgment, and so shalt thy steps be clouded. Thy journey shall be confusing to the masses, reared as they are on simple fares carried down straightforward paths. They will question your actions, and your foes shall impress them not."

And so it was that Enoch's tale came to be told to a new people, and so was it that his tale came to make no sense, for the LORD did grant Enoch's plea, but he carried it out in a manner like unto the paw of the monkey from the Zone of Twilight.

But Enoch was a loyal servant unto the LORD, and so he set about his task anew. And the LORD sent Lucifer to stand ever at his side, for the Adversary in Enoch's time was a loyal oppositionist rather than an Enemy, though this has been much forgotten. But the LORD remembered, and so it was again, and Lucifer aided Enoch as a mentor at the point of saving, though his clothing and demeanor did mark him as hipster, and thus an abomination before the LORD.

So did Enoch war against the Grigori once again, in the manner of gods of war and crying devils and spin-off ninjas. But Enoch was bewildered, for his foes walked in the guise of barley-sacks or gumdrops or men wearing triangles, and his holy raiment, once resplendent with the light of the LORD, was stripped from him, and in its place were floating balls of popcorn, and a bow to be wielded like a sword, and a serving dish.

And when the multitudes did gaze upon Enoch's battles, their eyes were as the eyes of the LORD, and they were dazzled, for the LORD sees the world as like unto a film of the arthouse, and his colors are sometimes overdeveloped. And Enoch walked across lands drawn with a paintbrush, or with colors reversed, and his steps were indeed clouded. He knew not where to walk, nor how far to jump, and Lucifer grew tired of reviving him at the point of saving.

And verily did Enoch's arm grow heavy, for his fighting style was limited and repetitive, and he knew not where to swing, for the colors of the world smeared around him as if he had drunk the oracle's potion. And Enoch called out to the LORD, saying, "How is this better? The multitudes know me again, but I am a spectacle now, and silly." And Enoch did lament again.

Thusly did the LORD show Enoch that to be unknown is sometimes better than to be weird.